I can’t seem to wake up at dawn anymore. I hear a rooster crowing from down the street. I hear my goat, Isabelle, yelling for food at her new home two blocks away. I try to push the pit out of my stomach. The heaviness will not lift. I turn over and fall into listless sleep. I find myself falling asleep in the car, crying suddenly, and feeling hopeless. I guess I am experiencing a bit of depression. Without a to-do list I feel bored and useless. For the first time in my life I do not have a job that helps people. I do not have a job at all. I wonder if I fell off the face of the earth would anyone notice. I am not feeling suicidal, just struggling with who I am without a purpose, a to-do list, a goal, a dream, a busy life.
We used to dream of these days. We would read and write and walk and be on a kind of vacation. However I am struggling with my own identity and fate and rewriting the chapters has proven more difficult than I imagined. To be fair, it hasn’t been that long. Perhaps I will fall into a gentle wave of security. The characters in the novel I am working on introduce themselves and create themselves in times of silence.
We need to finish up at the house that destroyed me. Giving all of my possessions away has been an interesting venture. Folks that were in the very same situations as ours gather replacements for things they lost to give homesteading another go. Our goal with the farm and homesteading school was to encourage folks to be more self reliant and to try homesteading. And in a twist of fate our final chapter was to give people what they needed to set up shop.
For years Doug and I have given things away. Given gifts. Given medicines. Helped people out. Helped wherever we were needed but now that the tables are turned, so to speak, I find that it was easier to give then to receive. To receive a blessing is to be humbled and thankful.
Our friends have opened their home to us and our cats. As cat people they know that giving away our felines would be the final knife to me. To lose my cats is unthinkable. I struggle with feeling awkward in their home, with being in the way, with being a nuisance. Rodney and Pat took us on a trip. Monte and Erik took us out to dinner. Kat and Rod bought us lunch and helped us move. Sara helped us move the cats. Kim and her family came and cleaned out the dreaded refrigerator at the near empty house. Thank you. It is not easy to be in need.
At a particular low point we pulled into the library and to my surprise my girls happened to be there. Those three smiles can brighten my day. Friends out of nowhere showed up and invited us to an event. We have been visiting. Grandma broke her knee and is recovering well in a rehab. Thompson had a heart attack and two strokes. He, too, will be alright and it was nice to visit him. We saw our son, Andy, and his girlfriend yesterday. Our schedule is free to reconnect and visit with folks. I must open my eyes and see the blessings before me. To humbly accept. To be grateful. To embrace this new path into the unknown. To free myself of this heaviness and enjoy the greatest blessing, LIFE.
6 Comments Add yours
You and Doug are constantly in my prayers, Katie.
I need a current address, I did get your latest letter. I will call you!
As the song says, “Take it to the Lord in prayer”. He’s the only one with the answers. Then open your hand so He can “give” to you. (He can’t give to you if your hands are in a fist or palms facing down working so hard. He once told me, “Do less so that I can do more (for you).” And for the first time in my life, I did, and the miracle happened and still is. Yet we still do the work of our hands, but it is His work now (our farm) we are only the instruments. 🙂
All will be well, it truly will.
I know. I know all good things are coming!
This discombobulating time will pass, things will settle, you have suffered an enormous blow and this is the grieving period for both of you. Don’t blame the house where you suffered the blow, its always other humans who hurt us not inanimate objects. But that time has gone you’ve moved on if only in body, your spirit will catch up, I promise.
I know the house is not to blame. Now it’s behind us.
As a recent graduate from your herbalism course, my suggested remedy for you is a really good slice of chocolate cake with a glass of fresh milk on the side. 🙂 Katie, you inspired me just by being you to live more in the knowing of my intuition. You are doing THE work. Keep it up. (And I’m serious about the chocolate cake!)
Thank you! Maybe crème brulee! 🙂